1. A successful man is one who makes more
money than his wife can spend. A successful
woman is one who can find such a man.
2. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you
should make lemonade… And try to find
somebody whose life has given them vodka,
and have a party.
3. word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the
stupid ones that need the advice.
4. When you are courting a nice girl an hour
seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot
cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s
5. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get
out of it alive.
6. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her
7. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the
8. A day without sunshine is like, you know,
9. I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When
they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as
they’re going to feel all day.
10. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and
loves to see us happy.
11. People who think they know everything are a
great annoyance to those of us who do.
12. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as
13. If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.
14. My fake plants died because I did not pretend
to water them.
15. As a child my family’s menu consisted of two
choices: take it or leave it.
16. My grandmother started walking five miles a
day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven
now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
17. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can
always depend on the support of Paul.
18. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She
changes it more often.
19. Between two evils, I always pick the one I
never tried before.
20. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I
realize I should have been more specific.
21. Housework can’t kill you, but why take a
22. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is
stand still and look stupid.
23. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m
afraid of widths.
24. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I
go out, I lock every other one. I figure no
matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking
25. Weather forecast for tonight: dark.